Oh Hey, It's the End of November

 Hello dear Readers,

I know, I know. I said I was going to keep this blog going. I said a lot of things, like that I would be consistent and accurate and tell the truth and keep things going.

All I have to say is this: 2020 has been a blur and I only just now remembered I even had this blog.

How did I remember? you might find yourself asking.  Also though, how do you forget?

To tell the story, I have to go all the way back to July, when I quit the job at the credit union.  

From March until mid April, the credit union was limited to drive through only.  The fear of COVID was a very real thing, and yet any time I mentioned my concerns to my managers, both would tell me I was probably over reacting.  As we know now, fear of COVID was a very real and valid thing, and I should have taken not being seriously as a bad sign.  I think my gut knew I was in a bad situation, because I started having meltdowns before work.  I even found myself crying at work a few times.  My other teller friend was the same way, and we tried to console each other.

By May, we were open again in the lobby.  "Safety Precautions" were set out by corporate.  All of us - minus management - were concerned it wasn't enough, because it really didn't feel like enough.  I was still uncomfortable going to work.  We all were.  Again, when voicing these concerns, one manager completely called COVID a hoax and to not worry, and the other manager said we were just over reacting.  Again, red flags.

So what did I decide to do?  I decided that maybe I should just try to get promoted and that would somehow make it better.  I started aggressively doing referrals and sales pitches and what have you.  My managers would check in with me each week to see how I was doing.  By distracting myself this way, I was able to look past the fear and concerns.

And then in July shit hit the fan, and I mean really hit the fan.

Both managers had a day off and we had an assistant manager come in for the day.  Well, she was horrified by our safety precautions.  Turns out, all those precautions that we thought corporate was slacking on wasn't corporate.  It was our management team not taking it seriously and putting us in harms way.  The three of us working that day - my two friends and I - were all horrified.  We were at risk because our management didn't care.  That assistant manager ended up reporting us to HR in hopes that something would change.

Cue that Saturday.  My manager, who is a man btw and literally taller and more intimidating than any of us - line all of us and proceeded to yell at us for voicing our concerns and for the other manager reporting him.  He threatened us, made me cry, and basically told us that if we were uncomfortable, we could try our luck at the job market, though he was certain we would never find a better job.  He threw out personal information in front of the other coworkers that was told in confidence, too, which I am pretty sure breaks some rules.  And also he swore at us.

I called my husband sobbing in the bathroom, begging him to come pick me up.  He had me make it through the day, then we talked that night.  I had received a job offer from my previous company (I'm a teacher by degree and I had left a tutoring company for this job because we needed the income for a bit), asking me if I wanted to come back because they needed another English tutor.  By the end of the night, we agreed that I was going to leave the credit union and take that job back, as they were promising more hours, plus working 40 hours a week was really starting to wear on my mental health regardless. (I have bipolar, and there's a reason it's classified as a disability.)

I went in on Monday, two days before my 30th birthday, dropped all my stuff on the counter, and walked out.  I should have reported that bastard to HR, but I just wanted to wash my hands of it.  The trauma of being essential and working under abusive management still lingers; I don't know how many times I've had nightmares of that place.

My old job took me back same day, and frankly, since July I have been so much happier.  I love my kiddos and working 15 hours is so much better for my mental state.  Plus I'm doing what I love: I'm teaching and I'm able to see a difference in the kids I work with.

So where am I today?

Well for one, I'm writing again.  I had a few fanfics (find me here if you're curious) that I had been writing that got put on hold while I worked at the credit union because I just didn't have the energy for them. In October, I decided to pick one of them back up again, and I'm so happy.  I've also been participating in NaNoWriMo (national novel writing month) this month, and I'm writing another fanfic for it.  I'm actually on track to "win" for the first time in my life of trying this (I try NaNo almost every year and by the second week of November I tend to give up), and I suspect it's because I'm actually writing a story I care about for once.

I'm also knitting like crazy, which is another thing I dropped when I started working 40 hours.  It has felt so good to be able to produce things again, to work my thoughts out into a project.  Currently I'm working on a lace shawl and I am so pleased - I've never done lace before and it is turning out beautifully.  I had hoped to make holiday gifts for everyone in my family, but I started too late for that.  Next year, though.

My mental health has kind of been a pendulum though, I'm not going to lie.  Being bipolar is hard sometimes and I've been going through med adjustments.  This week I've actually been really down, and it's been...difficult.  I have days where I want to delete all my writing because it feels pointless, and there are days when I don't want to even check my phone.  But I'm doing it! I still make an effort to write, make an effort to knit, make an effort to try to be present.

I've been a lot more active on Tumblr too.  I realized today that I was turning it into a mini blogging platform, which I think is what it was intended for truthfully, but why blog there when I have this open space to ramble as much as I want?  My goal now is to update this a lot more frequently.  It's nice to spend some time getting my thoughts out, and it keeps me from word vomiting on other platforms.  (I've also been crazy tweeting on Twitter, so I need to chill out.)

Alright, I think this post is long enough.  I will see you all at the next one!  Stay safe out there, the world is scary right now.

Lots of love to you all,

~Birdie